Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an approach to communication based on principles of nonviolence. It is not a technique to end disagreements, but rather a method designed to increase empathy and improve the quality of life of those who utilize the method and the people around them. There is a large ecosystem of workshops and clinical and self-help materials about NVC, including the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.
NVC is a communication tool with the goal of firstly creating empathy in the conversation. The idea is that once there is empathy between the parties in the conversation, it will be much easier to talk about a solution which satisfies all parties' fundamental needs. The goal is interpersonal harmony and obtaining knowledge for future cooperation. Notable concepts include rejecting coercive forms of discourse, gathering facts through observing without evaluating, genuinely and concretely expressing feelings and needs, and formulating effective and empathetic requests. Nonviolent communication is used both as a clinical psychotherapy modality and as a self-help technique, particularly with regards to seeking harmony in relationships and at workplaces.
*© 2008 Jean Morrison & Christine King - ***communicateforlife.com
The four components of Nonviolent Communication – Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests – are at the heart of the mandala. The giraffe symbolizes our desire to keep our hearts open and stay connected to our compassionate nature. (Giraffes have one of the largest hearts of the land mammals)
This circle represents NVC consciousness to value everyone’s needs and keep attention focused in the present moment. Our Intention is for compassionate Connection (with self and others) which invites Choice and Freedom.
When we find ourselves using habitual reactive speech patterns, we can lose our balance and operate from the outer circle. The jackals represent separation and life-alienating thinking and language. They serve as a guide inviting our return to wholeness.
© 2008 Jean Morrison & Christine King - communicateforlife.com
| What it is | What it isn’t |
|---|---|
| Mutualism, partnerism | Domination |
| Our needs are equally important | My needs are more important |
| Observations | Evaluations |
| Win-win | Win-lose |
| Restorative | Right-wrong |
| Mutuality | Compromise, Positioning |
| Giving + receiving gifts | Giving + receiving punishments, rewards |
| Intent to understand the other person | Intent to change the other person |
| At cause, taking responsibility | At effect, blaming |
| Focusing on my pain | Focusing on the other person’s wrongness |
| What I mean | What I say |
| Owning the feelings | Disowning the feelings |
| Slow, patient | Fast, quick fix |
| Facts | Interpretations |
| Objective | Subjective |
| Understanding | Labels, judgements, diagnoses |
| Requests | Demands |
In each of the following examples translate the communications into NVC using the formula:
When _______, I feel (felt) _______ because I need(ed) _______. Would you be willing to _______?
Try translating into language that sounds more natural to you. Imagine what the response to each version would be. Which version most leaves you wanting the speaker’s needs to be met? Which version will make life easiest for the person speaking?